Master Hand's Big Book O'Rules
by Spidershadow5
Summary: Due to the Super Smash Bros. driving him up the wall, Master Hand comes up with a list of rules in order to keep the peace. Accepting submissions in the comments.
1. Chapter 1

**I got bored, so I hope you enjoy this. If you have any ideas for this list, post them in the reviews. I will add them, and they'll be attributed to their creators. Inspired by the Portal fanfiction "The Rules by Cave Johnson" by 3theCaptain.  
**

 **Rules 57 and 58 by Smashbrosarrmagedon. Rules 59 and 60 by Shana Hager. Rule 61 and 71-73 by Guest reviewers. Rule 63 and 74 by gamergirlisfun. Rule 91 and 92 by Keiko Braginski. The rest are mine.  
**

* * *

Dear Smashers,

Due to the exponential increase in disasters concerning any or all of you, many of which have likely raised my blood pressure, the following rules will now be implemented.

Master Hand's Big Book O'Rules

1\. No Smashers are allowed to start fights outside of official stages. The mansion repair bills are already sky high as it is.

2\. No Smasher is allowed to challenge Samus to a drinking contest.

3\. No group of Smashers is allowed to challenge Samus to a drinking contest.

4\. **Nobody in the mansion** is allowed to challenge Samus to a drinking contest. Last time, half the mansion wound up drunk in the gym at five in the morning.

5\. Anyone caught using the "words" "yolo" or "swag" will get squirted with the hose. And by hose, I mean Super Soakers.

6\. Blasting Panic! at the Disco songs throughout the mansion via the loudspeakers is forbidden.

7\. Blasting Snoop Dog songs throughout the mansion via the loudspeakers is forbidden.

8\. You know what, blasting any music through the loudspeakers is forbidden.

9\. It is prohibited to use the clone CPU character generator to reenact scenes from "Orphan Black." I have enough of you nut jobs on my fingers without clones.

10\. Please do not invite non-fighter characters to the mansion without permission. If I have to deal with another Space Core incident, I swear I'm going to kill someone.

11\. Any characters from the following video games are banned from the mansion: Resident Evil, Silent Hill, SCP Containment Breach, and pretty much any horror game.

12\. Any Smasher who refers to me as "Righty" will be rolled down the stairs.

13\. No Smasher is permitted to where skin-tight yoga pants outside of the gym. Yes, Ganondorf, even you.

14\. Jigglepuff is not allowed to participate in Karaoke Night.

15\. Sonic is no longer allowed use of the treadmill. There's a reason we have a jogging track. I'm not paying for this one if he breaks it.

16\. No Smasher is allowed to prank Luigi by telling him next year is the "Year of Luigi II: Revenge of the Underdog," unless the aforementioned fact is true.

17\. Crazy Hand is not allowed within five hundred feet of any Legos.

18\. Kirby is not allowed in the kitchen within more than thirty seconds of mealtime. I don't know how he managed to eat an entire Thanksgiving Dinner for more than fifty people in less than two minutes, but it's not happening again.

19\. Pit and Donkey Kong are not permitted to use a Cherubot to reenact the "Hulk vs. Hulkbuster" scene from "Avengers: Age of Ultron" within five miles of the mansion.

20\. No Smasher is permitted to give Link, Ike, Lucina, Marth, Robin, Roy, and/or Corrin directions to a Renaissance Fair.

21\. No footage shot inside the mansion may be posted on Youtube, or any video sharing website. Yes, this includes Vine.

22\. Giving alcohol to underage Smashers will be punished by dropping the offender into a children's ball pit that has definitely been pooped in.

23\. Mario is not allowed to recruit other Smashers to "test" Mario Maker levels. Even if they are from his franchise.

24\. Dyeing other Smashers' hair in their sleep is prohibited.

25\. Dyeing other Smashers' hair gold "To make a Super Saiyan" is not an acceptable excuse for violating the previous rule.

26\. There is no such thing as a "Super Smash Bros. Dance Off," and no Smasher is permitted to organize such an event.

27\. Please do not place Soylent Green on any of the meal menus.

28\. No Smasher is permitted to start a "Mario Kart Demolition Derby."

29\. Captain Underpants is not an acceptable Halloween costume. Not even for Smashers who are usually naked.

30\. Please stop reminding Sonic of "Sonic Next-Gen" or "Sonic Boom." I don't want to find him crying in the toilet again.

31\. Putting packets of ketchup under the toilet seat bumpers is prohibited.

32\. Putting packets of barbecue sauce under the toilet seat bumpers is prohibited. I don't know who keeps doing that, but I will find out.

33\. No Smasher is permitted to breakdance outside of the dance studio. Yes, we have one of those. Use it.

34\. Cloud, Mario, Luigi, Bayonetta, Zelda, Ryu, Mega Man, and Charizard are no longer allowed to complain about their respective Death Battle outcomes. Come on, people, it's getting old.

35\. Diddy Kong is not allowed to leave his banana peels unattended.

36\. No Smasher is permitted to challenge Bayonetta to a duel.

37\. It is prohibited for Fox and Falco to park their Landmasters in the mansion's parking garage.

38\. King Dedede is not permitted to give out "Free Hugs" to any Smasher. Ike had to stay in the hospital for weeks with cracked ribs.

39\. Despite the fact that only Link may lift it due to his worthiness, the Master Sword is not, has never been, and will never be Mjölnir. Thus, Link is not the "God of Thunder."

40\. Due to the "Key Lime Hall" incident, Pi Day is no longer to be celebrated inside the mansion.

41\. Using Poison Mushrooms to reenact scenes from "Ant-Man" is prohibited. Not to mention stupidly dangerous.

42\. When playing baseball, no item may be substituted for the Home-Run Bat, including (but not exclusively) Fans, Beam Swords, Fire Bars, Ore Clubs, Hammers, or Golden Hammers. I do not want another ball breaching the atmosphere of the planet.

43\. No Smasher is permitted access to Cracker Launchers on firework themed holidays.

44\. Captain Falcon is not allowed to proclaim any of his actions by shouting the words "FALCON-(action verb)" outside of official matches.

45\. Applications for Smasher status filed by non-video game characters are to be shredded.

46\. Bowser is not permitted to kidnap Princess Peach while in the Super Smash Bros. dimension.

47\. Bowser is not permitted to kidnap **anyone** while in the Super Smash Bros. dimension.

48\. Using empty Pokeballs to capture Pokemon franchise Smashers is forbidden.

49\. No Smasher is permitted to submit Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" for Movie Night. Also, anyone caught using the quote "You are tearing me apart, Lisa!" in any situation, will be smacked upside the head with a dead fish.

50\. "Crazy did it" is not a valid explanation in the wake of any disaster, unless it is true.

51\. While it is possible to create combustible lemons to use as items in matches, we will not be doing so. Stop asking for them.

52\. I'm serious. Yes, that is a rule.

53\. Due to the paradoxical nature of time travel, Lucina is not permitted to defy any rule on this list in order to "preserve the timeline."

54\. Everyone is forbidden to refer to Dark Pit as Pittoo. I'm sick of cleaning up after his tantrums.

55\. Despite being an actual god, Palutena is not allowed to found a new religion in the Super Smash Bros. dimension, or any connected dimension, dedicated to the worship of her.

56\. There is no good cause to put all of the Assist Trophies in a cage match and let them fight it out.

57\. Due to Pit's trauma from a previous experience, DO NOT ALLOW PALUTENA TO COOK ANYTHING.

58\. In the event of a violation of Rule 54, the current Smasher assigned to "Pittoo Duty" is to lock him in the vault until he calms down.

59\. Anybody who uses the tier list to pick on other Smashers will be severely punished.

60\. Absolutely no rubbing the patch 1.1.1 down throw nerf in Luigi's face. I'm sure he's had just about enough of that!

61\. Please do not mistakenly refer to Link as Zelda. Yes, there are still idiots with this misconception.

62\. Please do not mistakenly refer to Link as Zelda on purpose just to piss him off.

63\. Always have four or more of the same snack in the fridge in case Kirby or Yoshi want the same thing. Heaven help us if the fridge is empty!

64\. Absolutely no fanfiction. The last shipping war almost destroyed the entire Mushroom Kingdom.

65\. Blasting "Young Volcanoes" by Fall Out Boy after eating Superspicy Curry is only funny if the mansion doesn't burn down.

66\. Sonic and Falco are not permitted to start a gaming Youtube Channel.

67\. Protesters demanding that Goku be admitted as a Smasher are to be tasered on sight.

68\. Select Smashers are forbidden to watch "Rick and Morty." You know good and well who you are.

69\. Immature snickering at the number 69 will result in punishment via being shot out of a confetti canon into a tank of super glue.

70\. The game of "Truth or Dare" is banned in the mansion, because A, it invariably results in someone going to the hospital, and B, it is one of the worst fanfiction clichés.

71\. No insulting Mega Man's Buster. He's already blown enough holes in walls and furniture.

72\. Please do not play "Thunderstruck" on loop whenever Pikachu is in the room. He is not amused.

73\. Rule 72 also applies to Elec Man and Phosphora. ESPECIALLY Phosphora.

74\. Please do not invite Amy Rose just to annoy Sonic.

75\. Anyone caught singing "Let it Go" at the top of their lungs will have duct tape placed over their mouths for the rest of the day. Seriously, it's been like three years.

76\. Wii Fit Trainer is not permitted to force other Smashers into fitness regimens. Yes, Wario is overweight. No, that does not justify kidnapping him and forcing him to do burpees.

77\. Villager is not permitted to carry his axe around when not using it for it's intended purposes, while doing impressions of a serial killer. Good God, those memes gave everyone in the mansion nightmares for months.

78\. Until they learn to behave, Mewtwo and Greninja are not allowed to stand within ten feet of each other.

79\. While food fights are not prohibited, please do not throw utensils, dishes, or cookware during one.

80\. Shulk is not allowed to use his clairvoyant powers to cheat at Monopoly, Poker, or any game.

81\. If you got the idea from Sonic, it's probably a bad one.

82\. Please do not play frisbee with Meta Knight's mask. You can't handle the consequences.

83\. If you get beaten up for making a bad pun, then it's your own fault.

84\. Using Olimar's garden as a place to relieve yourself is strictly prohibited.

85\. Please stop referring to Rosalina as "Space Jesus." It's not amusing.

86\. It is forbidden to play "Five Nights at Freddy's" with a megaphone, or with your computer hooked up to the stereo.

87\. Using Yoshi to reenact scenes from "Jurassic Park" is prohibited.

88\. Mr. Game and Watch may not use his two dimensional body to slip into peoples' rooms at night and use Chef at random.

89\. No rule on this list is to be interpreted as a challenge.

90\. Disco is dead. That is final.

91\. Do not ask Ganondorf if he had multiple wives.

92\. If you try to make a joke concerning Link and Midna's relationship in Twilight Princess, I have no control over what they will do to you.


	2. Chapter 2

**With Smash Bros Ultimate on the horizon, I thought I'd come up with more of these.  
**

 **Rules 118-121 by Ecenema.  
**

 **122 and 123 by AngelZeroEXE.**

 **124-126 by YoKaiShoubiao.**

Page 2

93\. Ridley, if you continue to taunt Samus about her mother, I will not protect you. Honestly, her beating the snot out of you is better than any punishment I could come up with.

94\. To the Squidlings: For the last time, you are not permitted to use ink weapons inside the mansion. If you do, you're cleaning it up.

95\. Please stop referring to Lucina as Marth, and vice versa. It's not funny, it's never been funny, and it's never gonna be funny.

96\. Simon Belmont is not permitted to randomly take his shirt off in front of other Smashers. I don't care how buff you are, public indecency laws apply to you.

97\. Bowser, Ganondorf, King Dedede, and King K. Rool are forbidden from having "Greatest Evil King Contests" inside the mansion.

98\. Please stop chasing Pikachu with a Thunder Stone. He has decided not to evolve, you're just being jerks.

99\. Sonic: No running in the halls. This is your final warning, or so help me God...

100\. Getting (temporary or permanent) Mark of the Exhalt tattoos just to screw with Chrom is strictly prohibited.

101\. Wolf is not permitted to go hunting, bring back his kill, and then messily devour it in front of everybody at dinner time.

102\. Deodorant is NOT optional. Yes, Donkey Kong, even for you.

103\. Daisy, while we're glad you were added to the roster, please stop jumping for joy on the cafeteria tables every morning.

104\. Dark Samus is not permitted to leave piles of phazon lying around. It's gross, and it smells.

105\. Captain Falcon is not permitted to complain about Sonic being faster than him. Suck it up.

106\. Attempting to cause a time paradox with Link and Young Link is strictly forbidden.

107\. Whoever keeps stuffing dozens of notes into the suggestion box saying "I caught Luigi stealing from the item storeroom," knock it off.

108\. Shulk is not permitted to gamble on sports games, or official matches. You know why.

109\. Pac-Man is prohibited from eating all the fruit in the kitchen every day. Save some for everybody else, man.

110\. Please stop making fun of Little Mac's height. Not only is it mean, but he keeps punching people through the walls.

111\. Please stop stealing Snake's cardboard box. Yes, it's just a box, but seriously, cool it.

112\. Pikachu is not to be used to recharge your devices.

113\. Do not unplug Megaman from the outlet in the night.

114\. Duck Hunt Dog, I'll put this simply: STOP. LAUGHING. AT. PEOPLE.

115\. Bowser Jr. is not permitted to let his Mecha-Koopas run loose throughout the mansion.

116\. Whoever keeps using all the duct tape, please stop.

117\. Absolutely no reminding Lucas of all the depressing moments in his game.

118\. Filling Link's room with cuccos as a prank is strictly prohibited!

119\. Stop asking Dr. Mario for performance enhancers!

120\. Donkey Kong is not allowed to kidnap Peach to reenact scenes from "King Kong."

121\. Heavy smashers (Bowser...and Dedede...and K. Rool...) are prohibited from doing cannonballs into the pool.

122\. Stop petitioning for Waluigi to be in Smash, it's not gonna happen.

123\. For God's sake, Waluigi, stop trying to get the Melee and Brawl returnees out of Smash Ultimate. Just because you didn't get in, doesn't mean you can drag everyone else down with you.

124\. Nobody is allowed to ask Incineroar to perform the Bug-Type Z move. You know why.

125\. Mario may not use Cappy under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. I don't want to have to deal with a repeat of the "Refridgerator's Running" incident.

126\. Please, No Bad Puns. Once again, I don't want to have to deal with a repeat of the "Refridgerator's Running" incident.

127\. Incineroar is not permitted to do his Hulk Hogan impressions for more than five minutes at a time.

128\. Ken and Ryu, for the love of God, wash your feet. If you're not going to wear shoes, this is your only other option.

129\. Piranha Plant, no coming up through the toilet. I shouldn't have to explain this.

130\. For the last time, stop following Isabelle around with a plastic bag. She won't crap all over the floor.


End file.
